I’ve been alive and paying attention for a while. These are the rules. You, and everyone else, should follow them. They aren’t negotiable; they’re the fuckin’ rules. Read the list twice.
They all exist for a reason. Some are laws. Some are common sense. Some are common courtesy. Some are just smart. All of them are important.
If you don’t follow them, you’re a fool, an asshole, or both.
This is a living document, and will be updated periodically.
Don’t use gmail for your personal email account. Better yet, get a domain name.
Don’t use Instagram. If you have an Instagram account, delete it. Facebook/Meta make the world worse with their mass surveillance, and by using these censorship platforms, you normalize and encourage others to do so. Stop donating your content to billionaires for free so that they can develop the ability to inject ads into your personal friendships and censor your personal communications.
Don’t stand within 2 meters of the luggage carousel band unless your eyes are locked on your bag. Stand back so everyone else can see the band, until such time it’s time to grab your bag. Standing directly next to the band before your bag comes out does not accomplish anything except blocking the view for others.
On escalators, if you are going to stand still, stand to the right. Don’t stand still on the left side. (Except in Tokyo, Singapore, Australia, and Scotland, where it’s reversed. There you stand still on the left.) Leave the other side free for people who are going to move up/down the escalator. The same rules apply for moving walkways. Labels or signage on the escalator or walkway take precedence.
In the USA, do not drive for extended periods of time in the leftmost lane. It’s not a driving lane, it’s a passing lane. You should not remain in this lane for more than 60-100 seconds. Don’t get defensive, nobody taught you, and the “fast lane” meme is persistent. In many places, this is actually the law.
Don’t piss on the seat. Ideally, put the seat up first (use your shoe if it’s gross). If you do piss on the seat, wipe it off before you leave.
FLUSH. Don’t you fucking dare “let it mellow”.
Wash your hands after using the restroom, even if you don’t consider them “dirty”. Every time, no exceptions.
Don’t put your “personal item” in the overhead bin. It goes under the seat. If it’s too big, get a smaller personal item and stop trying to work around bad airline policies by traveling idiotically.
Step well aside and let passengers exit trains, buses, and elevators before you try to board. You’re not going to get on faster, but you will slow everyone down.
Stand clear of subway and train entryways if you’re riding past the next stop—doorways and the area near them are for people getting off.
Dim laptop and phone screens on red-eye flights and in dark lounges.
Honor “quiet car” and “silent zone” signage; whispering still counts as talking. You’re not that quiet. Practice whispering 80% more quietly than you normally do, so that you have to be directly in a person’s ear for them to hear you. Even if you perfect this skill, avoid talking in such environments.
Step out of traffic flow before stopping to check your phone or map, especially in crowded places like city sidewalks.
Don’t stand in doorways. Certainly don’t stand with others in doorways and have conversations.
In hotel and apartment corridors and hallways: BE QUIET. If you absolutely must speak, keep your voice EXTREMELY LOW, at all times of the day or night. Don’t have conversations in the hallway, ever. The doors and walls are frequently so thin that you might as well be inside people’s bedrooms. There are people sleeping at all times of the day and night (think of flight crew or pilots who work overnight flights, or those with jet lag). Disturbing the sleep of workers who need to be awake and alert at night is dangerous and selfish.
Never smoke cigarettes indoors. Never smoke cigarettes outdoors around people you do not know to be smokers. Your stench and toxic smoke extend 5 meters in all directions, and it violates consent. Unless you’re a complete fucking idiot, you shouldn’t be smoking cigarettes at all.
If you must make a phone call around others, speak less than half as loudly as you think you need to. Practice speaking as quietly as you possibly can. The microphone in your headset or smartphone is extremely sensitive, and yelling into it will not make the sound come out any louder from the speaker on the other end. You will be heard more clearly if you speak at a low level.
Never, ever use speakerphone in public. Hold the phone to your ear, or use a headset or earphones.
Keep your dog on a short leash at all times whilst in public. You love them; many people do not. I, for example, hate dogs and every time someone gleefully lets their animal approach me unleashed in public they are unknowingly risking their dog’s life.
Watch where you walk. Pay attention while moving in public. Maintain situational and spatial awareness; to walk around in public oblivious to your surroundings is not only rude, it’s dangerous. Use your neck muscles, turn your head, be aware of your surroundings.
When the boarding agent calls Group 3, that does not include Group 4 hovering two feet away. Stand back until called.
Finish scrolling before the gate agent. Nobody needs to bottleneck behind your boarding-pass screen hunt. Better yet, print a paper boarding pass at check-in, and don’t use your phone to board.
Do not groom yourself (i.e. clip nails, floss, or tweeze) in public. Bathrooms exist for a reason. Wash your hands when you are finished.
Zip up or clasp your handbag or backpack when you are done using it when you are in public. Not only will you lose your shit, you invite people to rob you effortlessly.
When in public in situations you must interact with service staff (when ordering at a restaurant, when checking out at a till, when checking in at an airline or hotel)—your phone should be locked and stowed. If you must refer to it for check-in information (such as a reservation number), have it on screen before you approach the counter, and lock and put away the phone as soon as you are done.
Do one thing at a time. You cannot “multitask”, it is an illusion. No person is capable of splitting their attention between two things at the exact same moment.
Don’t wear heavy scents in public. It can make people around you in enclosed spaces very sick. Perfume or EDT is acceptable (use sparingly), but if it is a strong scent, wear it only in private.
Use the zipper-merge when two lanes converge: drive all the way to the merge point, then alternate cars. “Early-merging” slows everyone. Zipper means one vehicle from each column at a time, not two.
Never recline your airplane seat during meal service.
Shoes stay on in planes, trains, and cafés—nobody wants to smell or see your socks, or, worse yet, your bare feet.
Don’t consume strong-smelling food (tuna, curries, onions, et c) in confined public spaces such as subways, train cars, or airplanes. If possible, avoid eating in public entirely (in spaces not dedicated to eating).
If you are ill, do not go into public spaces. Especially important is to not travel when you are sick. If you absolutely cannot avoid it, wear a tight-fitting mask and avoid touching surfaces that others use. Generally speaking, however, if you are sick, do not go to work, and do not interact with the public. You are spreading disease and ruining lives. You and I might be able to afford to miss work due to illness, but many cannot. You either destroy their income source, or infect hundreds more downstream, including the infirm and elderly.
Always cover your coughs and sneezes, and then wash your hands.
Put your shopping cart back where it goes when you are done with it.
If there isn’t table service, take your empty cup or bottle back to the bar. If it’s disposable, throw it away in a trash bin. You brought it there, you take it away.
Keep your phone on silent at all times. It should never make a sound. The only exception is if you are sleeping alone and need it to wake you when you receive a call.
Turn off the flash on your cameraphone. It is either ineffective or makes your photos worse, and makes you look like the biggest of rubes.
Don’t take videos in portrait orientation, ever.
Wear a helmet at all times when biking, using a scooter, hoverboard, heelys, rollerblading, skating, etc. Traumatic brain injuries don’t care that “nobody wears a helmet while doing such-and-such”. You’re an utter fool if you don’t. There are no excuses or exceptions to this rule. If you don’t have a helmet, DO NOT RIDE. It doesn’t matter if you’re in rural Thailand and there isn’t a helmet for miles in any direction. In that case, you walk.
Wear your seatbelt at all times in automobiles. Taxis aren’t exceptions because they are yellow. If there is no seatbelt available, don’t take the ride. Again, there are no exceptions or excuses here. It doesn’t matter if you’re only going a short distance, or you’re in the back seat, or you’re not getting on the highway. Seat belt or don’t go.
Never, ever ride in the bed of a pickup truck.
At a theater, do not talk at all and do not use your phone. If you must, go outside first. Never speak inside the theater during a show.
While you might be tempted to sing along to your favorite songs at concerts, people who paid to hear their favorite artist sing them aren’t interested in your duet. Always keep quiet during songs at concerts—this includes talking.
Keep your participation in Q&A sessions at events to genuine, concise questions; corner the speaker later for your monologue. Don’t make statements disguised as questions.
When riding a bike, obey traffic rules, and ride on the correct side (in the direction of traffic). Salmoning (riding the wrong direction) is extremely dangerous to you and to others.
If there is a bike lane, or if it is reasonable to ride in the road, never ride your bike on the sidewalk. It’s dangerous to pedestrians to have metal flying near them at 30kph. The sidewalk is your absolute last resort as a cyclist.
If you are a pedestrian on a road without a sidewalk, walk against traffic (ie on the left). This allows you to see traffic coming, and is no less safe than walking on the other side.
If you use the last roll of paper towel or toilet paper, throw away the tube and install a new one.
When a guest in someone’s home, don’t use the last portion of any consumable if you can avoid it. If you must, try to replace the container if time permits.
If you are in a group walking on a sidewalk or foot path, walk single file if there are others on the path.
When people show you who they are—believe them.
In general, in public spaces with others, keep your voice down when speaking. Certain nationalities (including Americans) tend to speak much much more loudly than is necessary for the circumstance, which subjects everyone around them to unnecessary noise. If you still feel compelled to speak loudly, figure out why you feel inside that nobody cares what you have to say. Be quiet anyway.
When using shared infrastructure (tables, chairs, barstools, campsites, etc) restore the place to at least the condition you found it when you are done using it. Ideally, you’ll leave it better than you found it.
Watch a video on how to use a tourniquet, and keep one in your kitchen drawer.
Keep a working fire extinguisher in your kitchen, and another on each floor of your home.
Jeffrey Paul is a hacker and security researcher living in Berlin and the founder of EEQJ, a consulting and research organization.